Balance.
Yesterday, my boyfriend was on a crowded bus in San Francisco. His foot bumped up against that of a teenager, who was riding with his sister. The teenager took this as an excuse to start yelling at my boyfriend (let’s call him Steve, as that’s his name). Steve, a former professional boxer, does not take kindly to being yelled at, but did not take any physical action against this teenager. At one point, the teen started yelling, calling Steve “a motherfucking nigger” repeatedly. Steve’s immediate reaction was a bit of shock, as he was extremely offended by the use of such a strong word in a crowded and cramped public “area.” Steve, who is white, glanced around the bus and saw people of various ages and races not responding to this slur, which was repeatedly being yelled at top volume. Steve’s only response was to tell the teenager that it was “classless to use that language in front of all these people,” to which the teen responded, “If I want to call you a motherfuckin’ nigger, I’m gonna call you a motherfuckin’ nigger - I’m Puerto Rican, bitch!” Etc.
This yell fest hit some kind of a fever pitch and the only way that I was involved was that this incident is all Steve could talk about all night and the following (this) morning. He was very upset about how no one said anything about the offensive language, and it made me think about if I would have said anything. Maybe. But I wouldn’t have been the first. I would only echo a statement of disapproval from someone else. I have been riding buses in San Francisco for a long time, and god knows that kind of shit that happens on the bus. It’s a mess, it’s confusing, and it’s violent surprisingly often. I assume most people are like me - you board the bus, find a place to stare, and just lock into that little space like it’s the only thing in the world, hoping you can get to work/school/play before you succumb to overwhelming misanthropy, paranoia, or claustrophobia.
Steve has started a dialogue in his own corner of the internet, asking why this happened, and has not been able to drop the topic for even a moment. The overwhelming feeling I’m left with is one of deficiency. And I wasn’t even on the bus! Who knows what I would or would not have done, had I been with friends or with a boyfriend, or what. I’m not sure.
This train of thought spiralled into a place that has made me see that my priorities are heavily “selfish,” which is to say I truly believe that all worthwhile change comes from within. Rather than use that belief as a weapon to divide people into an “us” and “them” of “rotten inside” and “willing to change on the inside,” I instead spend a lot of time meditating on my own emotions, their roots, and possible ways to harness their power without their negativity. Yes, there is a nice cushion of class and race that allows me to do this with my time instead of being consistently confronted with prejudice. But I have my issues and they’re legit - finding ways to honestly and fairly deal with them is how I believe I will become a better person, both on my own and in social situations.
I am just left wondering a couple of things. One, if you were on that bus, what would you have done? Or, have you already been in such a situation and done something, or not done something? And, this is where the concept of balance comes in: when you encounter an injustice, which you recognize as an injustice, that falls outside your realm of priorities (that is, it’s far from an issue that consumes the majority if not entirety of your energy), do you encounter some kind of inner conflict? Do you waver, question yourself, change? Or what?
And finally, do I sound a bit insane in this post, or just insecure? (Hooray for the internet!) ?
